It's been over a week since I first landed in American soil- 9 days to be exact- and I still haven't found a way to sum up just how strange I've been feeling. It all started when I had to pay for a single dose of Dayquil with a handful of coins and I couldn't remember the difference between a nickel and a dime. I spent a good minute or two trying to sort out all these irrational, worthless coins that I barely recognized, something I hadn't thought would be so confusing but that was. It all sort of just hit me from there. I wrote a really poetic analogy the other day of how it was like a dull force shooting straight at me and striking me in slow-motion, something I do a lot when I'm too overwhelmed to actually face the situation I'm in. I guess you could say I turn to metaphors when some turn to alcohol. Ahem. Anyways. It's weird being home. It's even weirder being home as an entirely different person. I feel so torn and confused and fuzzy. I ought to start making giant lists, but even that seems a task far too daunting for me.
Quite honestly, it's not even that I wish I was back in Spain. I do miss it and my friends and my family there, but I'm glad I'm in Bend. I'm just not so glad that I have to make this giant transition when everyone around me seems to think that I should be sliding back into the position I left.
Thus ends the fabulous year abroad adventure.
Showing posts with label sad. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sad. Show all posts
Friday, July 6, 2012
Monday, October 24, 2011
To Be Honest...
Quite often I feel like my entire life is composed of comparisons. It's like instead of seeing colors, I see only black and white- new and old. For the most part I'm excited by all the differences. I love taking the bus from the beach to the beautiful architecture of the Centro, buying two fresh baked baguettes with a 1 euro coin from my coin purse, and the sheer honesty here. I'm approaching these changes with optimism. I'm keeping my mind open.
But, as those of you who know me well know, I struggle with optimism. Recently I've had a hard time finding anything but negativity in this foreign country. I feel like a news anchor for the international news- only focusing on the bad when there is so much good in the world around me. To be honest, the mindset I'm in right now disgusts me and I force myself to smile and say I love it here. I force myself to think I'm happy when really, I'm frustrated by the slurry Spanish and the unspoken social rules that I'm just expected to know.
Remember when I mentioned how much I love the pure honesty here? Well, even in this pessimistic state of mind I still appreciate it. One of my favorite things I've heard here was said by my friend Sandra after she asked me how I was one day and I answered "good!". She said, "You don't always need to be good. You don't always need to smile. If you're having a bad day you can glare at people and not talk because it means you get to wake up in the morning with the bad mood out of your system. Just act how you feel because keeping it bottled up just makes it worse."
She's right. One part of being honest is being honest in how you feel, not just in what you're telling people. It's OK to have a bad day as long as you don't take those emotions out on others in a harmful way. It's OK to want to go home and just watch 50 First Dates with your little sister, more than you want to see a world-famous piece of architecture. It's OK to frown all through school because it isn't something you wanted to do. It's even OK to complain to your mom for nearly an hour about how much you hate your professors and how all the girls are gossiping about you as an American and you don't know why because you thought they were your friends (thank you for that, by the way). Having a bad day is OK. Pretending you're not having it is not.
I'm learning how to stop cowboying up when I don't need to, which is hard considering I've been raised on that motto. If there's one thing that's different about Spain that I can enjoy through the good and the bad, it's the honesty- it allows me to be myself. And that is something I can live with.
But, as those of you who know me well know, I struggle with optimism. Recently I've had a hard time finding anything but negativity in this foreign country. I feel like a news anchor for the international news- only focusing on the bad when there is so much good in the world around me. To be honest, the mindset I'm in right now disgusts me and I force myself to smile and say I love it here. I force myself to think I'm happy when really, I'm frustrated by the slurry Spanish and the unspoken social rules that I'm just expected to know.
Remember when I mentioned how much I love the pure honesty here? Well, even in this pessimistic state of mind I still appreciate it. One of my favorite things I've heard here was said by my friend Sandra after she asked me how I was one day and I answered "good!". She said, "You don't always need to be good. You don't always need to smile. If you're having a bad day you can glare at people and not talk because it means you get to wake up in the morning with the bad mood out of your system. Just act how you feel because keeping it bottled up just makes it worse."
She's right. One part of being honest is being honest in how you feel, not just in what you're telling people. It's OK to have a bad day as long as you don't take those emotions out on others in a harmful way. It's OK to want to go home and just watch 50 First Dates with your little sister, more than you want to see a world-famous piece of architecture. It's OK to frown all through school because it isn't something you wanted to do. It's even OK to complain to your mom for nearly an hour about how much you hate your professors and how all the girls are gossiping about you as an American and you don't know why because you thought they were your friends (thank you for that, by the way). Having a bad day is OK. Pretending you're not having it is not.
I'm learning how to stop cowboying up when I don't need to, which is hard considering I've been raised on that motto. If there's one thing that's different about Spain that I can enjoy through the good and the bad, it's the honesty- it allows me to be myself. And that is something I can live with.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Sunshine and ocean air, I'm on my way
As soon as I received my visa, everything has seemed to move along pretty quickly. I found out yesterday that I would for sure be on the 7:30 plane out of Portland and on my way to Malaga, meaning I leave tonight to stay in Portland overnight.
I thought I was prepared for this- honestly, I did! I've been waiting nearly four weeks for this day now (actually, much longer than that; but that's how long I've been ready to go and packed and all that jazz), but once it got here everything's gone by so fast I feel lost in a whirlwind. All of a sudden I have 24 (well, 3 now) hours to say goodbye to everyone I love. I didn't know I liked so many people until it came time to have to leave them for eleven months.
I'm still getting used to the fact that I will not sleep in my bed for close to a year. I'm still getting used to the fact that after I drop him off at work, I won't see my brother for a very long time. I'm still getting used to the fact that I won't get puppy love and tree climbing when I go to the Nopps'. I'm still getting used to the fact that I made several very strong girls cry today when I had to give them one final hug- man, was that hard. Saying goodbye to my best friends in the whole world was not something I'd care to repeat!
This is all part of the adventure; the nervousness, the stress, the sadness. And that makes me okay with all of it.
I thought I was prepared for this- honestly, I did! I've been waiting nearly four weeks for this day now (actually, much longer than that; but that's how long I've been ready to go and packed and all that jazz), but once it got here everything's gone by so fast I feel lost in a whirlwind. All of a sudden I have 24 (well, 3 now) hours to say goodbye to everyone I love. I didn't know I liked so many people until it came time to have to leave them for eleven months.
I'm still getting used to the fact that I will not sleep in my bed for close to a year. I'm still getting used to the fact that after I drop him off at work, I won't see my brother for a very long time. I'm still getting used to the fact that I won't get puppy love and tree climbing when I go to the Nopps'. I'm still getting used to the fact that I made several very strong girls cry today when I had to give them one final hug- man, was that hard. Saying goodbye to my best friends in the whole world was not something I'd care to repeat!
This is all part of the adventure; the nervousness, the stress, the sadness. And that makes me okay with all of it.
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