Quite often I feel like my entire life is composed of comparisons. It's like instead of seeing colors, I see only black and white- new and old. For the most part I'm excited by all the differences. I love taking the bus from the beach to the beautiful architecture of the Centro, buying two fresh baked baguettes with a 1 euro coin from my coin purse, and the sheer honesty here. I'm approaching these changes with optimism. I'm keeping my mind open.
But, as those of you who know me well know, I struggle with optimism. Recently I've had a hard time finding anything but negativity in this foreign country. I feel like a news anchor for the international news- only focusing on the bad when there is so much good in the world around me. To be honest, the mindset I'm in right now disgusts me and I force myself to smile and say I love it here. I force myself to think I'm happy when really, I'm frustrated by the slurry Spanish and the unspoken social rules that I'm just expected to know.
Remember when I mentioned how much I love the pure honesty here? Well, even in this pessimistic state of mind I still appreciate it. One of my favorite things I've heard here was said by my friend Sandra after she asked me how I was one day and I answered "good!". She said, "You don't always need to be good. You don't always need to smile. If you're having a bad day you can glare at people and not talk because it means you get to wake up in the morning with the bad mood out of your system. Just act how you feel because keeping it bottled up just makes it worse."
She's right. One part of being honest is being honest in how you feel, not just in what you're telling people. It's OK to have a bad day as long as you don't take those emotions out on others in a harmful way. It's OK to want to go home and just watch 50 First Dates with your little sister, more than you want to see a world-famous piece of architecture. It's OK to frown all through school because it isn't something you wanted to do. It's even OK to complain to your mom for nearly an hour about how much you hate your professors and how all the girls are gossiping about you as an American and you don't know why because you thought they were your friends (thank you for that, by the way). Having a bad day is OK. Pretending you're not having it is not.
I'm learning how to stop cowboying up when I don't need to, which is hard considering I've been raised on that motto. If there's one thing that's different about Spain that I can enjoy through the good and the bad, it's the honesty- it allows me to be myself. And that is something I can live with.
Amen, sister! Love you:) It's totally acceptable to feel like that. I'm here if you just want to vent...I know I've done it plenty of times to you.
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I know just how you feel. The Spanish make certain assumptions about American girls because of bad US TV shows that wind up translated and on Spanish TV. When I lived in Spain, the hot show was Dynasty (ok, I am really really old). All the Spaniards thought Americans were rich and without morals. So, hold your head high and if that doesn't work, learn some choice slang comebacks in Spanish. If you haven't learned these yet, let me know. Although, they may not be appropriate to post on your blog....Lisa B.
ReplyDeleteHannah. Sheesh, I've been reading your blog since faithfully since you left and wanted to post a comment every time. Me and blogger spotter (or whatever it's called) have been having some difficulty. I think I have it figured out now so you don't have to wonder where I've been. Spain sounds wonderful. So full of those wonderful life lesson's that we talked about before you left (was that you and I that talked or was I with your mom????) Any who, you're doing great. I'm so impressed with your Spanish speaking in the video with the little princess (sister) and I love the pictures of the town. Keep it up sweetie. We all love living our lives through you.
ReplyDeleteHannah - hang in there girl! You will periodically feel this way during your year abroad but those times will come and go. The sun will come out tomorrow and you will be in love with Spain and its people once again! If you didn't have ups and downs you wouldn't be a normal foreign exchange student. I remember feeling very lonely at times when I was over there, and also very tired (read: grumpy) from trying to decipher what people were saying but those are not the primary memories I have of Spain. They are mostly of amazing adventures, and the first time I dreamed in Spanish, and the food and the night life and the people I met. So just as you said in your blog, it's okay to have a bad day but that won't be the norm for you I can promise you that. We are missing you but so excited that you are doing what you're doing and we think of you often. Jacob hung out with your mom today because he couldn't hang out with you (not sure he'd tell you that himself but there it is). Take care of yourself my dear. We love you. Laura
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