It's been over a week since I first landed in American soil- 9 days to be exact- and I still haven't found a way to sum up just how strange I've been feeling. It all started when I had to pay for a single dose of Dayquil with a handful of coins and I couldn't remember the difference between a nickel and a dime. I spent a good minute or two trying to sort out all these irrational, worthless coins that I barely recognized, something I hadn't thought would be so confusing but that was. It all sort of just hit me from there. I wrote a really poetic analogy the other day of how it was like a dull force shooting straight at me and striking me in slow-motion, something I do a lot when I'm too overwhelmed to actually face the situation I'm in. I guess you could say I turn to metaphors when some turn to alcohol. Ahem. Anyways. It's weird being home. It's even weirder being home as an entirely different person. I feel so torn and confused and fuzzy. I ought to start making giant lists, but even that seems a task far too daunting for me.
Quite honestly, it's not even that I wish I was back in Spain. I do miss it and my friends and my family there, but I'm glad I'm in Bend. I'm just not so glad that I have to make this giant transition when everyone around me seems to think that I should be sliding back into the position I left.
Thus ends the fabulous year abroad adventure.
Showing posts with label ramble. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ramble. Show all posts
Friday, July 6, 2012
Thursday, May 31, 2012
One Month
Hello fans, followers, friends, and family! This Sunday marked one month until my return date, and my feelings about it are beginning to grow more and more mixed. As I come to the end of my exchange, I find that I'm not so sure I want to leave, while at the same time I'm anxious to go home and see all those things I've been missing all year. So, there's that.
When I began this post I was going to give it a topic, a thesis or something. In short, it was going to have a point. But I haven't got a point to make so today I'm just going to talk. That happens sometimes, as a person and as a writer. Sometimes we just ramble on about nothing. So here's my ramble.
My host parents are amazing. Like, not just as host parents/people to live with, but as people in general. I tell them that sometimes, thank them for feeding me or washing my sheets or whatever, and they tell me it's human decency. There are two things I say to that: first of all, that their kindness extends far beyond human decency. Second of all, human decency isn't exactly a trait possessed by all nowadays. So it's appreciated when people aren't rude and stuff.
The lovely people over at Domestic Square Peg have recently published something I wrote about adjusting to living abroad. It's one of a 5 part series, so I'll be on there for a month or two. I've included a link on the sidebar. It's seriously an awesome opportunity, and I'm really grateful to be able to be provided with it.
I was in Marbella for most of last week while my host parents were in Madrid, and was able to see with Nina, Matthew, and Josie which was simply lovely. I love travelling, and even though I'm on one big adventure just living here it's nice to be able to travel while here.
One of the biggest things I miss from America is doing things during the day as opposed to the night. "Going out" (leaving the house with friends from like 8-12) is the biggest way to pass time with other people, and I unfortunately inherited the urge to be in bed by 10 from my parents (thanks for that, by the way). I'd much rather go adventuring until 6 or 7, go home, eat, read, and go to sleep, but that doesn't happen like ever here. Oh well, just something I'll be able to appreciate more upon returning.
I'm starting to prepare for the next school year and it's both exciting and nerve-racking. I'm so excited to actually DO things next year- be a yearbook editor, be in the school musical, take dance classes, go skiing, apply for college, do schoolwork, have a job, etc. At the same time, I'm realizing just how much I want to do and how much time/energy it's going to take up. Not being involved in school this year has made me significantly lazier, and I'm worried about how that's going to affect me in my senior year. But still, I'm mostly excited... Even though AP summer homework is already kind of kicking my butt.
I guess that's what's on my mind. That and beach... Living this close to the beach is amazing. Seriously.
OK bye.
When I began this post I was going to give it a topic, a thesis or something. In short, it was going to have a point. But I haven't got a point to make so today I'm just going to talk. That happens sometimes, as a person and as a writer. Sometimes we just ramble on about nothing. So here's my ramble.
My host parents are amazing. Like, not just as host parents/people to live with, but as people in general. I tell them that sometimes, thank them for feeding me or washing my sheets or whatever, and they tell me it's human decency. There are two things I say to that: first of all, that their kindness extends far beyond human decency. Second of all, human decency isn't exactly a trait possessed by all nowadays. So it's appreciated when people aren't rude and stuff.
The lovely people over at Domestic Square Peg have recently published something I wrote about adjusting to living abroad. It's one of a 5 part series, so I'll be on there for a month or two. I've included a link on the sidebar. It's seriously an awesome opportunity, and I'm really grateful to be able to be provided with it.
I was in Marbella for most of last week while my host parents were in Madrid, and was able to see with Nina, Matthew, and Josie which was simply lovely. I love travelling, and even though I'm on one big adventure just living here it's nice to be able to travel while here.
One of the biggest things I miss from America is doing things during the day as opposed to the night. "Going out" (leaving the house with friends from like 8-12) is the biggest way to pass time with other people, and I unfortunately inherited the urge to be in bed by 10 from my parents (thanks for that, by the way). I'd much rather go adventuring until 6 or 7, go home, eat, read, and go to sleep, but that doesn't happen like ever here. Oh well, just something I'll be able to appreciate more upon returning.
I'm starting to prepare for the next school year and it's both exciting and nerve-racking. I'm so excited to actually DO things next year- be a yearbook editor, be in the school musical, take dance classes, go skiing, apply for college, do schoolwork, have a job, etc. At the same time, I'm realizing just how much I want to do and how much time/energy it's going to take up. Not being involved in school this year has made me significantly lazier, and I'm worried about how that's going to affect me in my senior year. But still, I'm mostly excited... Even though AP summer homework is already kind of kicking my butt.
I guess that's what's on my mind. That and beach... Living this close to the beach is amazing. Seriously.
OK bye.
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Spanish School System
One of the most common questions I get asked here is if I'm going to have to repeat the academic year when I return. For some unknown reason the Spaniards are very concerned by my study habits, probably because it makes up quite a large part of their schooling. They see me doodling during Greek and get worried that I'm ruining my future or something. Their eyebrows go up and wrinkle and they ask in worried voices why I'm not studying. I explain to them that there is quite a difference between Spanish schools and American ones. Most of the time they don't understand, and I go back to drawing aliens between my scattered notes.
I frequently get a similar question from back home. They ask me what my schedule's like, if I'm taking any electives, if I've been put in the easy classes, if I have a lot of classes with anyone in specific. Again, I have to explain that there is quite a difference between Spanish and American schools.
So, I'm here to explain to you whatever knowledge I have about the Spanish school system. Most of what I know is fairly hazy and based on whatever I've seen in my own school, so it may not be entirely accurate.
There are three basic levels of schooling, like elementary/middle/high school in America. They are primary, secondary, and bachillerato. Primary is like elementary school, and children are taught up to when they turn twelve. The secondary is four years of mandatory schooling. Bachillerato is two years of optional education that most students opt into taking.
The age cut-off to get into a certain grade is also different. Instead of being at the beginning of the school year, each grade is defined by the year in which everyone is born. Because I'm born in '94 and in the class of '95, which is the equivalent of the junior year, a lot of people think I've been held back. That's another thing- being held back, especially in the final years of secondary school and bachillerato, is exceptionally common. In my school in Malaga I had classmates as old as 22, who still needed to finish two more years to graduate!
One of the things about their school system that Spain is proudest of is the curriculum. Unlike in America, where curriculum varies from state to state and even from school to school, the curriculum is universal. The same subject is taught to the same grade all across the country. What I'm learning about in Philosophy is the same as what my friends in the north of Spain are learning about at any given time of the year. Another part of this set curriculum is that the credit system doesn't exist. Instead, each year has a designated list of classes that each student must take. It's not just one math class this year, one literary class this year, etc. There are no class choices. You don't get to decide what you're going to study. In bachillerato and, to some degree, in secondary, however, you get to choose to take one of three courses: science, social sciences, and humanities. Science, for my year at least, is biology OR technical drawing, math, and chemistry/physics. Social sciences is economics, history, and math. Humanities is history, Latin, and Greek. You choose one of those three choices and that's what you study. That is all the choice you get. All your other classes are mandatory and standard level for your grade, except in languages in certain schools or, if the school offers bilingual, in certain classes like Integrated Projects and Science of the Contemporary World.
School here is also just that- school. For the most part it's purely academic, so sports and most certainly student clubs and activities don't exist through the school. School spirit doesn't really exist, either, as there are no games or matches that students can go to and cheer their classmates on in.
So yeah, that's about it I think. It's astoundingly different from American schools, especially Summit, which is full of school spirit and different levels of classes, but there you have it. Just another thing here that's a change from back home!
I frequently get a similar question from back home. They ask me what my schedule's like, if I'm taking any electives, if I've been put in the easy classes, if I have a lot of classes with anyone in specific. Again, I have to explain that there is quite a difference between Spanish and American schools.
So, I'm here to explain to you whatever knowledge I have about the Spanish school system. Most of what I know is fairly hazy and based on whatever I've seen in my own school, so it may not be entirely accurate.
There are three basic levels of schooling, like elementary/middle/high school in America. They are primary, secondary, and bachillerato. Primary is like elementary school, and children are taught up to when they turn twelve. The secondary is four years of mandatory schooling. Bachillerato is two years of optional education that most students opt into taking.
The age cut-off to get into a certain grade is also different. Instead of being at the beginning of the school year, each grade is defined by the year in which everyone is born. Because I'm born in '94 and in the class of '95, which is the equivalent of the junior year, a lot of people think I've been held back. That's another thing- being held back, especially in the final years of secondary school and bachillerato, is exceptionally common. In my school in Malaga I had classmates as old as 22, who still needed to finish two more years to graduate!
One of the things about their school system that Spain is proudest of is the curriculum. Unlike in America, where curriculum varies from state to state and even from school to school, the curriculum is universal. The same subject is taught to the same grade all across the country. What I'm learning about in Philosophy is the same as what my friends in the north of Spain are learning about at any given time of the year. Another part of this set curriculum is that the credit system doesn't exist. Instead, each year has a designated list of classes that each student must take. It's not just one math class this year, one literary class this year, etc. There are no class choices. You don't get to decide what you're going to study. In bachillerato and, to some degree, in secondary, however, you get to choose to take one of three courses: science, social sciences, and humanities. Science, for my year at least, is biology OR technical drawing, math, and chemistry/physics. Social sciences is economics, history, and math. Humanities is history, Latin, and Greek. You choose one of those three choices and that's what you study. That is all the choice you get. All your other classes are mandatory and standard level for your grade, except in languages in certain schools or, if the school offers bilingual, in certain classes like Integrated Projects and Science of the Contemporary World.
School here is also just that- school. For the most part it's purely academic, so sports and most certainly student clubs and activities don't exist through the school. School spirit doesn't really exist, either, as there are no games or matches that students can go to and cheer their classmates on in.
So yeah, that's about it I think. It's astoundingly different from American schools, especially Summit, which is full of school spirit and different levels of classes, but there you have it. Just another thing here that's a change from back home!
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Unpopular Opinion
One of the biggest pieces of advice that I'm given is to disconnect myself from my life back home and go out and do Spanish things during my year here. This point is especially stressed by my current host parents, who put strict mandates on computer use and discourage care packages. These are things said to distract from my limited time in Malaga and put me back home in America. So, it makes sense that the biggest no-no is Rotarian deemed excessive internet use. I am frequently talked to about the importance of using as little internet as possible. I understand that, considering I'm only here for just over 9 months, making the most of every day is very important. However (and this is where the unpopular opinion comes), I also believe that limiting myself in other portions of my life, including the internet, doesn't help me to have a vastly improved experience here.
You see, dear friends, the world is a changing place. 5 years ago the idea of being able to talk face-to-face with someone thousands of miles away through a computer was considered ridiculous. Now it's a daily occurrence for most people with loved ones or even simple friends in far-off places. In the last century we humans have moved forward in science, arts, literature, language, technology, etc. at a rate so fast that in earlier ages it would have taken one hundred years to do what we can do now in ten. Many of these developments help to connect the world, such as easily accessible air travel and high-speed internet in most parts of Earth. The quick and frequent updates of these innovations only get quicker and more frequent over time, meaning more overseas flights on a daily basis and a constant stream of information over the internet. We are connecting people of all races, cultures, religion, and location every day, making previously completely foreign customs and language and lifestyles available in the click of a button.
In no way is this a valid substitute for real life. Even those simulated reality games don't come close- am I the only one who makes my characters do ridiculous things like marry a horse instead of making them lead normal lives? Nothing can truly replace living, not even the all-mighty internet. But what I said earlier about it drastically improving connections between different countries and cultures is very true. Nearly everything is online now, which makes learning about the world we live in much easier than it used to be. For instance, instead of having to go to China to learn Chinese calligraphy I can easily find a website that will explain it to me in a language I'm familiar in. The world is becoming smaller through the internet, as everything becomes more connected and accessible.
People all over the world log in every day to the internet. I have friends that, if it weren't for social networking sites, I would have lost touch with from countries like Colombia and Australia and Germany. Friends living in different parts of the United States and even different parts of the world are on my email list, Twitter feed, Facebook friends, etc. Not only can I talk to someone in a part of the world where it's night time when I'm just getting home from school, but I can also do it however often or however long I want to.
As the world grows smaller, location doesn't really matter as much as it used to. Want to get a feel for a potential college? Tour it interactively on the school's website. Want to see a band that only tours obscure Asian countries perform? Spend the day watching full-screen concert recordings, or find a live stream video thread of the performances. Want to attend a Scandinavian English class? Use video chat with the class when it's in session. Want to know more about all of Henry VIII's ex-wives? There are sites and databases dedicated to that subject that could take up hours of your time. Everything you'd ever want to know or do is in your pocket (or, if you can't fit your internet-using device in your pocket, in front of your nose etc.), making distance and even location practically irrelevant.
I think I've gone on for a bit too long and given far too many examples (that's what not having a decent English class does to a girl), but I guess it's because the point I'm trying to make is fairly difficult to explain. What I'm trying to get across is that, because the world is becoming a very small place, we can be wherever we want whenever we want. It's not bad and I personally believe it doesn't detract from local customs- in fact, I believe it adds to them. I can learn about social habits in Argentina or special Taiwanese slang words with the click of a button, as well as actually living my life wherever I physically am. The internet connects cross-continental cultures and enables us to develop another, completely different type of culture; one of a truly global world. Becoming a global citizen nowadays doesn't mean traveling to every country for months at a time, it means taking the time to log on and learn about different places and experiencing them when you can. People my age especially are very eager to share cultures, and connect from different parts of the world. I truly believe it is my generation that will make the world a global community as opposed to a planet with members of the same species on different chunks of land.
So I'm beginning to ramble and I apologize. I'm kind of running out of steam- at the beginning I was all fired out as I was fresh from a lecture so I hit the ground running, but now I'm just trying desperately to accurately portray the point I'm trying to make. I don't know if anyone understands what it is I'm trying to say but at this point I don't really care. One of the biggest things I've learned here is moving on when people don't understand what you're trying to say- being an American in a very opinionated foreign country with a foreign language kind of forces you to do this. Luckily, I have Google Translate and other Spanish friends who are able to help me try to get my point across... All thanks to the internet.
That's the big wrap-up, I've been writing this by the light of the last three menorah candles that I received in my Hanukkah package a month ago and they're almost all burned out. I'm changing host families tomorrow so I probably ought to go to sleep anyways. Anticipate a tour of the new house sometime this weekend.
You see, dear friends, the world is a changing place. 5 years ago the idea of being able to talk face-to-face with someone thousands of miles away through a computer was considered ridiculous. Now it's a daily occurrence for most people with loved ones or even simple friends in far-off places. In the last century we humans have moved forward in science, arts, literature, language, technology, etc. at a rate so fast that in earlier ages it would have taken one hundred years to do what we can do now in ten. Many of these developments help to connect the world, such as easily accessible air travel and high-speed internet in most parts of Earth. The quick and frequent updates of these innovations only get quicker and more frequent over time, meaning more overseas flights on a daily basis and a constant stream of information over the internet. We are connecting people of all races, cultures, religion, and location every day, making previously completely foreign customs and language and lifestyles available in the click of a button.
In no way is this a valid substitute for real life. Even those simulated reality games don't come close- am I the only one who makes my characters do ridiculous things like marry a horse instead of making them lead normal lives? Nothing can truly replace living, not even the all-mighty internet. But what I said earlier about it drastically improving connections between different countries and cultures is very true. Nearly everything is online now, which makes learning about the world we live in much easier than it used to be. For instance, instead of having to go to China to learn Chinese calligraphy I can easily find a website that will explain it to me in a language I'm familiar in. The world is becoming smaller through the internet, as everything becomes more connected and accessible.
People all over the world log in every day to the internet. I have friends that, if it weren't for social networking sites, I would have lost touch with from countries like Colombia and Australia and Germany. Friends living in different parts of the United States and even different parts of the world are on my email list, Twitter feed, Facebook friends, etc. Not only can I talk to someone in a part of the world where it's night time when I'm just getting home from school, but I can also do it however often or however long I want to.
As the world grows smaller, location doesn't really matter as much as it used to. Want to get a feel for a potential college? Tour it interactively on the school's website. Want to see a band that only tours obscure Asian countries perform? Spend the day watching full-screen concert recordings, or find a live stream video thread of the performances. Want to attend a Scandinavian English class? Use video chat with the class when it's in session. Want to know more about all of Henry VIII's ex-wives? There are sites and databases dedicated to that subject that could take up hours of your time. Everything you'd ever want to know or do is in your pocket (or, if you can't fit your internet-using device in your pocket, in front of your nose etc.), making distance and even location practically irrelevant.
I think I've gone on for a bit too long and given far too many examples (that's what not having a decent English class does to a girl), but I guess it's because the point I'm trying to make is fairly difficult to explain. What I'm trying to get across is that, because the world is becoming a very small place, we can be wherever we want whenever we want. It's not bad and I personally believe it doesn't detract from local customs- in fact, I believe it adds to them. I can learn about social habits in Argentina or special Taiwanese slang words with the click of a button, as well as actually living my life wherever I physically am. The internet connects cross-continental cultures and enables us to develop another, completely different type of culture; one of a truly global world. Becoming a global citizen nowadays doesn't mean traveling to every country for months at a time, it means taking the time to log on and learn about different places and experiencing them when you can. People my age especially are very eager to share cultures, and connect from different parts of the world. I truly believe it is my generation that will make the world a global community as opposed to a planet with members of the same species on different chunks of land.
So I'm beginning to ramble and I apologize. I'm kind of running out of steam- at the beginning I was all fired out as I was fresh from a lecture so I hit the ground running, but now I'm just trying desperately to accurately portray the point I'm trying to make. I don't know if anyone understands what it is I'm trying to say but at this point I don't really care. One of the biggest things I've learned here is moving on when people don't understand what you're trying to say- being an American in a very opinionated foreign country with a foreign language kind of forces you to do this. Luckily, I have Google Translate and other Spanish friends who are able to help me try to get my point across... All thanks to the internet.
That's the big wrap-up, I've been writing this by the light of the last three menorah candles that I received in my Hanukkah package a month ago and they're almost all burned out. I'm changing host families tomorrow so I probably ought to go to sleep anyways. Anticipate a tour of the new house sometime this weekend.
Monday, November 14, 2011
Solitude is Bliss
Thank you all very much for the birthday wishes/presents/cards/letters. I had an excellent time celebrating turning 17 here in Spain. I'm very happy right now, which is good. I'm also learning life lessons all over the place, which is also good.
I was Skyping my mom last night and, being the Journalism Mom (like a Dance Mom but not really at all) that she is, she asked me what kind of article I'd write about my experience here so far. I laughed at that for a bit, but then I thought about it seriously. What would I write about? I could definitely compose a solid list of complaints or gush for pages about everything I love, but that's not exactly something worth publishing. After a couple minutes I said that, if I had to be entirely honest, I'd write about what it's like to be alone.
I've felt alone at many points in my life at varying levels of intensity. There was the time I got lost in the woods in Canada, the first time I was left home alone by myself, when I went to Washington DC without my family, all the times I feel left out of a conversation, etc. But never have I ever been as alone as I am right now. It's not even a bad thing- I actually rather enjoy it. It's an educational thing, really, and it's teaching me to be comfortable with myself.
I have always been a pretty independent person, but I never really even knew what that meant before coming here. I have always (mostly) made my own decisions. But until Spain, I had always unknowingly been influenced by something or someone. I knew the social norms of where I lived, what my friends and family thought, what I was predicted or expected to do, how the people around me would react to different things. Here I have none of that knowledge. This may be inconvenient, being surrounded by completely foreign ideas and people all day long, when all I want to do is hug my little sister or have a nice peanut butter and jelly sandwich, but it can also be beneficial. In many ways, it has freed me. I am still held to a certain standard by my host family and by myself, but I am also largely allowed to do what I want and find out who I really am.
Being yourself is hard when people who you've known for years and years already have an idea of who they think you are. Being yourself is easy when you don't have the language skills, energy or memory capacity to pretend to be anyone else for longer than a minute or so. I can't remember the difference between "cuchara" and "cuchillo" (words I use rather frequently) so I definitely can't remember the difference between all the different ways I present myself when speaking to different people. I am forced to wear one face because not only am I too tired to keep track of a bunch of different identities, but I really only want to be one person; myself.
When I was younger someone told me that in elementary school you find your role as a family member, in middle school you find your role as a friend, and in high school you find your role as yourself. I think that was one of the main reasons I so frequently separated myself from everyone when I was still in Bend (that, and the fact that I don't tend to like most people, so if I've given you this link feel special cos it must mean I like you)- it's impossible to get to know yourself if you are constantly surrounded by people with their own opinions, way of speaking, life goals, etc. People don't realize how great of an influence the people you interact with have on you. Being alone is very important when you are trying to figure out who you are. Here in Spain, I spend a lot of time both physically and mentally alone. It takes me 45 minutes in the morning to take the bus to school and most of the time I don't see anyone I know on my commute, which means I get some good thinking time in. Also most of the time I get very frustrated not being able to understand anything that's going on when everyone's speaking in rapid Andalucian Spanish, so I remove my thoughts from the conversation and get some good thinking time in then, too. I've learned some very important things about myself from all this thinking time. For instance, I may be regarded as intelligent by some but I am definitely not an academic; an important distinction, as choosing a college used to be based on academics for me but now I know I'd rather choose based on the experience it can give me.
Another way being alone has made me get to know myself is by seeing how I handle challenges and struggles. My whole life is a challenge right now- unless you have ever been in a scarily similar situation to mine, you cannot understand how difficult it is not understanding the language, social norms, grading system, anything about the place you are now LIVING in- and as a result much of what I do defines who I am. Dealing with a tough situation brings out who we really are, I've always thought, and the fact that I'm doing it all on my own has helped me realize a great deal of things about myself that I wouldn't have been able to learn had someone been helping me. For instance, when a friend of mine lost her wallet on a long-gone bus I learned that I'm actually an optimist when I immediately began listing off solutions and ways to fix this and how she could get her wallet back and who we could call, etc. That was huge for me, because my melancholiness has always tricked me into believing I'm a pessimist. In reality, I'm just a slightly sad optimist.
I've always enjoyed being alone, but here solitude is more than just bliss; it's an important way for me to learn who I am. I am becoming less and less defined by the people I surround myself with and the places I go and more and more defined by me.
I was Skyping my mom last night and, being the Journalism Mom (like a Dance Mom but not really at all) that she is, she asked me what kind of article I'd write about my experience here so far. I laughed at that for a bit, but then I thought about it seriously. What would I write about? I could definitely compose a solid list of complaints or gush for pages about everything I love, but that's not exactly something worth publishing. After a couple minutes I said that, if I had to be entirely honest, I'd write about what it's like to be alone.
I've felt alone at many points in my life at varying levels of intensity. There was the time I got lost in the woods in Canada, the first time I was left home alone by myself, when I went to Washington DC without my family, all the times I feel left out of a conversation, etc. But never have I ever been as alone as I am right now. It's not even a bad thing- I actually rather enjoy it. It's an educational thing, really, and it's teaching me to be comfortable with myself.
I have always been a pretty independent person, but I never really even knew what that meant before coming here. I have always (mostly) made my own decisions. But until Spain, I had always unknowingly been influenced by something or someone. I knew the social norms of where I lived, what my friends and family thought, what I was predicted or expected to do, how the people around me would react to different things. Here I have none of that knowledge. This may be inconvenient, being surrounded by completely foreign ideas and people all day long, when all I want to do is hug my little sister or have a nice peanut butter and jelly sandwich, but it can also be beneficial. In many ways, it has freed me. I am still held to a certain standard by my host family and by myself, but I am also largely allowed to do what I want and find out who I really am.
Being yourself is hard when people who you've known for years and years already have an idea of who they think you are. Being yourself is easy when you don't have the language skills, energy or memory capacity to pretend to be anyone else for longer than a minute or so. I can't remember the difference between "cuchara" and "cuchillo" (words I use rather frequently) so I definitely can't remember the difference between all the different ways I present myself when speaking to different people. I am forced to wear one face because not only am I too tired to keep track of a bunch of different identities, but I really only want to be one person; myself.
When I was younger someone told me that in elementary school you find your role as a family member, in middle school you find your role as a friend, and in high school you find your role as yourself. I think that was one of the main reasons I so frequently separated myself from everyone when I was still in Bend (that, and the fact that I don't tend to like most people, so if I've given you this link feel special cos it must mean I like you)- it's impossible to get to know yourself if you are constantly surrounded by people with their own opinions, way of speaking, life goals, etc. People don't realize how great of an influence the people you interact with have on you. Being alone is very important when you are trying to figure out who you are. Here in Spain, I spend a lot of time both physically and mentally alone. It takes me 45 minutes in the morning to take the bus to school and most of the time I don't see anyone I know on my commute, which means I get some good thinking time in. Also most of the time I get very frustrated not being able to understand anything that's going on when everyone's speaking in rapid Andalucian Spanish, so I remove my thoughts from the conversation and get some good thinking time in then, too. I've learned some very important things about myself from all this thinking time. For instance, I may be regarded as intelligent by some but I am definitely not an academic; an important distinction, as choosing a college used to be based on academics for me but now I know I'd rather choose based on the experience it can give me.
Another way being alone has made me get to know myself is by seeing how I handle challenges and struggles. My whole life is a challenge right now- unless you have ever been in a scarily similar situation to mine, you cannot understand how difficult it is not understanding the language, social norms, grading system, anything about the place you are now LIVING in- and as a result much of what I do defines who I am. Dealing with a tough situation brings out who we really are, I've always thought, and the fact that I'm doing it all on my own has helped me realize a great deal of things about myself that I wouldn't have been able to learn had someone been helping me. For instance, when a friend of mine lost her wallet on a long-gone bus I learned that I'm actually an optimist when I immediately began listing off solutions and ways to fix this and how she could get her wallet back and who we could call, etc. That was huge for me, because my melancholiness has always tricked me into believing I'm a pessimist. In reality, I'm just a slightly sad optimist.
I've always enjoyed being alone, but here solitude is more than just bliss; it's an important way for me to learn who I am. I am becoming less and less defined by the people I surround myself with and the places I go and more and more defined by me.
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